Wing King (Fort Mill, SC)

Who doesn't love chicken wings? Other than vegetarians, vegans and people with alektorophobia [fear of chickens] and communists. I know I love them and a lot A LOT of places claim to be the "end all" of chicken wings and I have to say I found a place that just may be that... Wing King in Fort Mill, South Carolina. They do it with a nice combination of great wings, great service, great prices and great wings. Yes, I said that twice but it deserves to be repeated.

$2.50 Michelob Ultra drafts and World Cup, yes please (more the beer and less on the soccer)

So, I walk in the day of the World Cup game and it's dead and I was worried. But, then I remembered I was in South Carolina and the bar would be more crowded for a USC game from 1978 than for a soccer match. That being said I was able to be seated right away and get great service. And by great service... I mean two free beers. When I was handed the menu I was excited to see how prominently displayed the wing selections where. This means two things: 

1. They are proud of their wings and want to encourage you to get them.
2. They have a lot of options in both sauce and rubs.   

SIDE RANT: I hate it when I go to a burger bar and someone orders chicken or a wing place and they order a burger.... why?!

To the left XXX teriyaki, then some par crinkle fires, to the right XXX BBQ

After bombarding my waitress with a million questions I opted to get some grilled XXX BBQ wings and some XXX extra fried teriyaki. That being said! If you have never had wings done "grilled style" do yourself a favor and try it. It combines the char and smokiness of the grill and the wing-zing and flavor of your traditional wing. (What the f*^% is wing-zing? I don't know... I couldn't think of a better adjective) As an added bonus you can spice up your wings by the X. Meaning BBQ is mild, X BBQ is medium and XX BBQ is hot and XXX BBQ very hot. However, if you are a hot freak like me you won't find these to be quite that spicy. All that being said... these wings were just perfect. 

If this were a naval battle there was 'no quarter' for these wings... but it wasn't a naval battle so I should just say that they were very very very very good. TAKE 2. These wings are very very very very good.

My only things I would tell you to avoid are the following... and believe it or not it is only TWO things. One, the fries. They are basic. And kind of take away from the meal. Instead of ordering fries just order more wings, trust me. Two, the coleslaw. It was just awful. If you read the ingredients it would have read: Water, cabbage pieces, a lot of f&%$ing salt. Nasty. How much salt is that? A lot. BUT! Outside of those few wrinkles I have nothing bad to say about Wing King.

There are three locations and I will tell you all three because if there is one near you go try it!

200 Dobys Bridge Rd Fort Mill, SC 
13209 Carowinds Blvd, Charlotte, NC
426 S Carolina 9, Lancaster, SC 29720 (word on the street is that this is not the best one to try out...)

Also, there website is under construction so I won't post their link. But, if you want to Google them or whatever look up Wing King Cafe. And then thank me for telling you about them and then thank them for making just amazing wings.

Smash Burger (Stonecrest)

I would normally start with a "I haven't been at this in awhile rant" not today. I want to start off this time by using and old but true cliche... Money can't buy taste. That should be the slogan for Smash Burger (Note: I am only using the word 'burger' because it is in the title of the restaurant or to be ironic.) This particular location is nestled in the HQ for over-priced, over-rated, food and merchandise... South Charlotte at StoneCrest. Yikes. So... lets get started with this nightmare...

Smashing idea Watson! (Not quite)

So, I walk in not knowing what to expect. What do I order? What are they famous for? I look behind the counter to make my selection... no giant menu. In fact no menu. I had to ask the kid (maybe 11 or 12yrs old) where is the menu? He points to this small laminated thing and I notice a few things right away...

1. Burgers. Fires. Drinks where all separate... fail
2. No indication of why they are called smash burger... fail
3. Prices... fail
4. AND when I finally asked what their specials were... this 9yr old cashier said "Um, I think it is whatever the picture is on the front of my register"... fail

   

   The fire extinguisher was the most exciting decoration  

    

    

    

I ordered the special... What it was advertised as: BBQ, Applewood Smoked Bacon, Sharp Cheddar, Tangy BBQ sauce and onion strings. WHAT I actually got was a burger that looked like a Russian tank brigade ran over. No BBQ sauce. One piece of maybe bacon. American cheese and some C+ onion strings. SPEAKING OF STRINGS! Their fries look more like potato thread. Thin. Small. Expensive. Over cooked. The same adjectives you would use to describe a lot of the housewives around that area (rim shot, you're welcome.)

These fries are so grossly thin and pointless they could have a show on Bravo

In short. I have to say I will not be back and you should not go. Unless you are a masochist, then have at it. Add this to the list of over-priced major disappointments such as but not limited too:

• Bone Fish Grill (Gag, I mean who doesn't love expensive seafood in land locked Wisconsin?!)
• Flemming's Prime Steakhouse ($$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$)
• Zoe's Kitchen (I need to write about this one just for fun, this is the ultimate dumpster fire)
• Buffalo Wild Wings (The king of the $9 Michelobs and soggy, flaccid, micro 'wings?')
• P.F. Changs (Pretty much the Olive Garden of Chinese food and culture)

I am going to start doing these blogs more regularly. If you have any places you think I would like OR any places you would think I would love to hate PLEASE e-mail me at godfatherofsports@gmail.com.  

 Normally here is where I would offer the restaurant's website... not this time.

Which Wich (Birkdale Village)

Alright, back at the restaurant blogging game. I have been out of it for a year plus but I am ready to tell you my adoring audience (all 6 of you) that I am going to these on the regular again. Your welcome. I started off on the low key side, a Which Wich inside the Birkdale Village in Huntersvlle, NC. I know this is not quite a sit down and eat establishment BUT you can still get some serious sandwiches here (did I show my hand to early?) This company has only been around since 2003 but they have done a good job at competing in a tough field that already has big players in it like Subway (gross on every level), Quiznos (sodium bombs ahoy) and Jersey Mikes (over priced/pseudo-Italian). Which Wich is a nice change of pace because they take a different approach at the 'fast food' sub game.

Simple interior with idiot proof signage

 Ever since they moved into Brikdale this place is always busy from open to close with some sub hungry customers. Which, is one of the main reasons I haven't eaten there... who doesn't love waiting in a huge line while the family of 19 try and figure out "Which one is Beth's? Beth did you want turkey? What? No I said turkey! No you don't like beef! Get the turkey!" or "No! No! You can only get one ONE cookie Mike, no I said ONE!' and behind you is a impatient 'businessman' huffing and puffing making 'why is this taking so long' cartoon noises... I digress. I like how here you don't have to talk to... well anyone. You walk up to a table with markers and then pick the bag with the basic ingredients you want then just check off your cheese, veggies, dressings etc... makes it easy for the dumb a** ordering with a cellphone in their ear and the person taking the orders.

Yes, I x-out my boxes, I don't check or fill it in... is that a problem with you?

  The bag choices are Turkey, Ham & Pork, Beef, Chicken, Italian, Seafood, Vegetarian, Comforts (Egg salad, BBQ pork etc..) classics (BLT, french dip etc...), breakfast and finally Kids (PBJ, grilled cheese etc...) PHEW! That is a lot of options and there are plenty of subcategories that I missed. So, if you don't like one of those billions of options either expand you pallet or just eat some of their shakes and baked cookies! Don't like that? Well, I don't know how you are alive because those are pretty much all the food groups there buddy. And for those that choose to end their life sooner by eating like I do opt to 'double the meat' they actually triple it pretty much. But, you better like some meat in your mouth if you pick that... moving on...

Italian, double meats, MMMmmMMM

By the way, put your name on the bottom of the damn bag. There is a space for it. Because, when you don't it turns into a nightmare. 5-to-10 minutes of "Who had the no name turkey?" six people raise their hands then seconds later "okay we have another no name turkey" and then it holds me up, it holds the line up and holds that grumbling businessman moaning and groaning that this place is to slow (call back joke right there.) What did I order? An Italian with salami, pepperoni, capicola, double-meat (worth it), wheat (you can also get white and bowl w/ lettuce), not toasted, Super 14" (for normal people regular is 7" and large is 10.5"), provolone, Parmesan, deli mustard, oil, vinegar, lettuce, banana peppers, oregano. garlic and crushed pepper, unreal good. AND once again that was only a SMALL sample of the millions of things you can put on your sub.

Avoid only the things that you question why are on there in the first place SUCH AS Seafood, wait, you know what? If you are stupid enough to order 'crab' from a sub fast food sub chain be my guest, enjoy! Just don't complain when there isn't a clear path to the bathroom. The same goes for others like BBQ and chicken. The quality and taste just is not there and you will not be returning to a Which Wich if order those are your first orders. 

Recommendation? Highly suggest if there is one in your area; there are four in the "Charlotte metro area" so I am sure you can find one... unless your are reading in NY and they just haven't (and probably won't) gotten one yet. No chips and drinks my super sizes meat-monster came to $10.56. Which, is pretty good considering the quality and size of the sandwich. But! If you do go to one try and go when there isn't a giant lunch or dinner rush so you don't have to deal with a guy breathing down your neck because he can't get to his ham and olive salad fast enough.    

Link to the Which Wich website CHECK IT OUT! http://www.whichwich.com/    

Long Horn Steak House (University Area)

Phew, I think I almost forgot how to write these things! Complements of my 5 year old Gateway finally getting flaky on me. However, this a review that should have been done at least a month ago but I still will be tedious in my details as my readers like! Now, if you have read my reviews before you know I am not a fan of chains. They are cookie cutter slop houses that attempt to mimic a once great restaurant [though something tells me Applebees could have never been good.] I was in for a 'nice' surprise with Long Horn Steak House. My first guess was that it was going to be like a 'howdy cowboy' rendition of Outback [blah]. Well, walking through the doors I was hit with a BOGUS "Howdy yall' how many are goin' to be in your party?" I almost turned around and walked into on coming traffic BUT I pressed on. By the way the restaurant decor looked like Woody from Toy Story went on a glue-huffing bender and came out with this...

You have a friend in me lamp... well... not really (and for the record that was the second Toy Story Joke)

To give them the benefit of the doubt they were 're-modeling' though I couldn't find what was actually being worked on... I have to be honest I opted for this restaurant because ESPN was playing these commercials NON STOP one weekend during college basketball and I guess I bent to the ad. (Boy, does that show a weak constitution or what?) After being seated at our dirty booth I looked at that all important beer selection... then I remembered that beer/wine/liquor at chain adds a easy $500 to any tab. So, I went for a starter. I figured their fried onion thing would mimic Outbacks appetizer so some extent. Funny story, it was actually better than any onion 'fried starter' than I have had in a long time. Highly recommend.

What's that boy?! There's a problem at Ol' Man Centore's arteries! Lets ride!

What did I like? So I came here for steak. Yes, I know it wasn't going to be a $50 a pound steak from Old Man Jenkins secret cattle ranch. In fact I half expected a 'strip steak Denny's style' but I got something in between the two. I ordered a special, it was the 16oz steak with mozzarella and Parmesan cheese. Gross? Well, if you have a sodium deficiency saddle up and down about 17 of these salt explosions. But, sadly... it was kind of what I was aiming for. The steak was actually seared well and the 'presentation' (using that phrase lightly) was actually like the ad looks like! Shocking I know! Oh, keep your chin up buckaroo! It was only $16 for that entree which came with a baked potato and a salad. Strike that, it came with a salad and a hallow potato with about 7lbs of bacon and cheese in it....which leads me too...

Just like a NYC Steak house! Geez, I need to stop huffing modeling glue with Woody...

What would I change? Step one, drop the fake "giddy up cowboy" act, please. This 17yr old illegal alien serving me my salad is not simulating John Wayne by any stretch of the imagination. Next trim down your menu by about 30 selections. I could barley see the 'original' entrees buried under page after page of Shrimp Round Up Cheese Explosion or Steak Six Shooter Showdowns options. Stick with the basics and maybe the quality of the product may go up? Maybe? Just a thought. Which leads me into a food tangent: Why do places like Burger King, Long Horn, Quaker Steak, Hooters etc... all start with one great foods staple a la famous burgers, great chicken wings or good shakes. Then they add flavors and different ways to  expand on their original idea, great. Then they expand their franchise, okay. Then they add crap on their menu that kind of co-exists with their original dish, fine! Then they add crap that has NOTHING to do with their Wold Famous 'X' factor, boooo! Now that raises the overall cost of all the entrees, lowers the quality of their given products and makes me bitter towards them, I'm looking at you Dinosaur BBQ. Now for most people that would be enough of a rant... But, what makes these eating establishments even worse is that most Americans would settle for a trip to Taco Bell then try and seek out a local eatery. Then they have the nerve to say "Oh you should try out Olive Garden, we love to get Italian there when we want a special night out." Oh, excuse me while I take my fist out of your face. I could go on and on, but my point is this: When you want a night out try and find a local restaurant unique to your own area. Try that local greasy spoon you pass every day on the way to work. Or experiment and hit-up that Mexican restaurant that isn't a Chipotle. And if you take nothing from this... I hope you enjoy that frozen BK Quad Stacker, jerk.

Kind of like a Adirondack Cabin threw-up on the set of True Grit

Recommendation? Despite exploding on this and others like it, this was okay. Meaning, it's exactly what I expected with tempered expectations. It maybe a tad skewed because I haven't had steak since August of last year and I was 'steak parched' or maybe it wasn't that bad. But, buyer beware, these prices are a tad high and you could bet or match them at any local restaurant FYI. But, if you wish to see what the Loan Ranger sees when he trips major acid then you should head out to a Long Horn Steak House without delay. By the way, if you are heading to one make sure you sign up for their 'email alerts' because you get a free appetizer that's good for your first visit. Other than that, that's all the inside information I can offer.

Link to their main menu (to find one closest to you... don't) Long Horn Menu Page       

Rock Bottom Restaurant

Alright, I am usually not a critical person (uncontrollable laughter) so this review shouldn't be too harsh. Firstly, I was not aware this was a chain til I heard the dreaded phrase "at this one" which means 'more than one' which means the company sacrifices Quantity over Quality. However, Rock Bottom was able to hide the fact that they were a chain rather well OTHER than the atypical layout of the place that looked like cookie-cutter restaurant chain layout, I digress. Now, I went with a group of 12 so one would think I could not place judgment on the check... wrong. The waiter was nice enough to split it up so we can get a nice laugh about the cost of eating at this dinning establishment. (Side note: I may have been in four or five highballs at this point so my judgment maybe a tad skewed...)      

A regular at this place SHOULD be able to guide us to a successful dinning experience

 

Now I am all for mood lighting or 'dark Italian restaurant trip over a chair lighting' but I just think Rock Bottom did not turn on anything but their emergency flood lights. (Wow, am I getting that old that lighting is throwing me off now?) But, RB's 'claim to fame' is their beers. I love beer! Who doesn't? But, I made a mistake [yes I admitted to one] I opted for their "Stingin' Brits I.P.A" which I thought would taste like Syracuse SPA (SYR Beer). Now Middle Ages brewing company makes a IPA and a Pale Ale and I guess the labels look the same? I have no idea. Either way the RB IPA was rough and I like my beers hearty. I may just get their Southern Flyer Light Lager (-10 man points.) Here is a link to a PDF of their available beers Rock Bottom Charlotte Beer List.

Well, you win this round Stingin' Brits I.P.A

What did I like? No need for cocktails or appetizers here just jump into your actual generous main course portions. I got ribs ($20.99) which the ribs themselves were rubbed with sweet magnolia rub. It was a very different approach to ribs in NC. Most of the time the ribs are grilled to a nice char than doused in lop sauce (a vinegar based sauce) and served juicy. This was a different take with the layers of rub and char that was very good. However, it seemed that at one point all I could taste was the rub and the meat was a small side note (sigh.) Now, I can't remember our waiters' name (oops) but his service kept me from whipping out my Gateway laptop (yes Gateway) and start writing away. He was able to keep up with 12 sauced 20'somethings and then after all the little orders and countless entrees he still asked if we'd like separate checks. Amazing.

I mean... I still ate them all...

What would I change? Something that I have learned is that if you go to ANY restaurant and you are VERY hungry anything will go down easy, no matter how much you detest Denny's (gross.) Yes, this place wasn't even a glimmer of that manic depression diner but I went in hungry [and buzzed] which leads to weird food choices and monster appetites. Okay, my ribs, lets get down to brass tacks [does anyone even use that expression anymore?] What did it come with? Fries, I think. These over cooked and cold potato sticks would even make the Burger King cry. Well, what about the slaw? Eh. I got excited because it didn't come in a plastic bowl but it tasted like nothing. I could catch a hint of anything in there. And the ribs. At 20 bucks the amount of ribs was impressive. But, there was SO MUCH RUB I couldn't taste the meat and what a rookie mistake to get ribs at a place that doesn't wreak of BBQ smoke and burning wood. And I saw the 'burgers' which even the Red Robin wouldn't take a peck at. AND when all is said and done I was still hungry (gross again.)

Recommendation? I would like to think that if I went back I would get something else. But, that would require me to go back again. One thing always gets you is the 'nice chain' that blind you with the gilded environment and then hit you with a monster bill and a unsatisfied palate. I think at $40 a shot anyone would go broke here. But, oddly enough I did have a lot of fun there but they may have been to great company, a volley of assorted shots and not having to work early the next day... So, for the average person this maybe what you want, maybe you want par American food with a higher (unwarranted) price tag then yeah, "do it up!" But, for most this is a hop-skip-and-jump that you really shouldn't take.

A link to their main website index: http://www.rockbottomsouth.com/index.php?pg=food                

Cook-Out "Cooked Outdoors Style"

For lunch, for dinner, for late night 'I am hammered and I will literally eat anything', Cook-Out is always a good choice. If you live in NC/SC you know what one is, you know how good it is, and you know that you probably will order way more than you wanted to. It's not really fast food, for my CNY/Utica readers it is essentially a Voss' on the go with way more options, and for someone that doesn't get that reference, Cook-Out is a perfect hybrid between fast food and sit out burger restaurant. Boom. The best part? The price, you would pay more for a 'value meal' at a BK or Wendy's and get a flat "burger" with suspect fries for the same price of a HUGE real burger with fresh cut fries AND a shake! (Side note: this review was a long time coming, I have eaten here about a dozen times before I did a review, why? Because I inhaled the food before I could get a crappy cell phone picture of it!)

Bigger picture than normal but this gives you the idea quality/quantity and price!

That's lot of choices! And if you are in a hurry you can order via their TWO drive-thru windows and there is also a walk up window on the other side of the building! Everything is always fresh and hot, I have never ever had a wilted fry or cold hot dog from here. Now, a rookie move is pulling up and not knowing what you want. Why? Because you tend to start 'ordering hungry' which could lead to multiple bags of heart-stopping goodness. And what is a must? Adding on to your burger or hot dog! My favorite? A huge (that's a small patty on a larger patty) burger Cook-Out style with chili, slaw, mustard and onion mmmmm.....

This cost $21.48 (huge cheddar burger, regular Out-West burger, cheddar dog, hushpuppies, chili-cheese fries, chicken strips and a Peanut butter fudge shake)

What did I like? Well, what don't I like? I could list everything I have ever eaten there and then explain each thing but I am not going to do that for obvious reasons.... But, I will tell you what is a must if you are heading out to a Cook-Out for the first time. One, you need a burger from here. It isn't like a Mickey D's burger that looks like a clay disc that was boiled (blah). It is real hand formed ground beef burger, BOOM! Sizes are small, regular, large and, my favorite, HUGE. You get to then add on for .65-.85 cents, cheddar, steak, Cook-Out and Out-West! What goes better with a burger than homemade chili and cheese on some freshly cut fries! Feeling that tingle? That may be the early signs of a heart attack but you have to keep adding on! A hot dog is a must with a .65 cent add on of cheddar, Mexi and Cook-Out. Finally, it wouldn't be a Southern meal with out .99 cents for of a dozen hushpuppies! (They fry these in the same fryer that cooks the onions rings so it has a nice onion-esk taste). If you have a hankering for something sweet then look no further than there 35 choices of homemade shakes from Blueberry Cheesecake all the way to Peanut Butter Fudge. Too thick? A Cheerwine float with a shot of soft-serve vanilla is a more 'healthy' (hahahahaha) choice.

This is a immaculate HUGE cheddar burger (Onions, cheese, mayo and REAL bacon)

What would I change? Now as much as I have praised the daylights out of this place EVERYONE has room for improvement, but nothing drastic here. From order, to paying, to driving away is fine; it's as long as you would expect to wait from a semi-fast food place, think '5 Guys Order Timing.' So, that isn't so much of a problem as it is just an FYI. But, there are a few things on that rather voluminous menu that I would avoid like the plague. This is something that saddened me, their quality of  their onion rings. Booooo! Sadly, the breading was flimsy, which lead to a weird cooking of the onion which leads to sub-par onion rings. All the onion rings do that thing that every ring eater hates... you take a bite and then the whole onion rips out and then you are stuck eating a scorching hot 1,000 degree onion while holding the shell of it's breading... if you don't know what I am talking about then you must have a very active and healthy lifestyle and I applaud you. The only other downside is their chopped BBQ. It... it isn't right to eat 'drive thru BBQ' (can you hear me McDonald's and your gross McRib, nasty.) Their pulled or chopped 'pork' looks like canned pet food or maybe ground meat? Avoid please.

'God Bless America' is on very take out object... (I don't know how I feel about that)

 Recommendation? If you are hungry and want something quick please do not go to BK, Wendy's, McDonald's etc... Look out for Cook-Out! They are scattered all over NC/SC and should be your first option for greasy on-the-go-food. For two dinner is cheaper than any crappy Chili's or Outback and is way better, trust me. I have only broken a $20 once and that's because I was trying to see what it would take (and I was hungry, and yes it was for two people.) Never underestimate that 'Co_ _ _ut' sign (I have never seen a Cook-Out neon sign that has all it's letters.) Now I am going for a 100 mile run to burn off a 1/4th of that HUGE cheddar burger.

A link to all Cook-Out's, it's essentially a locations tab and menu: Cook-Out "Cooked Outdoors Style"

Stool Pigeons

Who doesn't like dirty bars? Me. I heard good things about this place so I went in with some-what high hopes... oops. The first thing I should have noticed that there was about 20 people smoking outside in jeans and dirty hoodies, typically a warning there will not be fine dinning ahead. Then the notorious 'please wait to be seated sign' quickly followed by a "hey you, you can sit anywhere" from the downtrodden bar tender. Finally, I got to wait on a waitress that came over after she finished talking to her friends and figured that she may want to wait on a table. Nice. Maybe the food could pick this bar/restaurant out of its very apparent tailspin, maybe...

Do I get a flashlight with my burger?

So, already in a deep whole, I wondered what should I order? I would have asked the waitress but, I think she was more concerned about that gum she was chomping on or that her friends might think she was lame for taking care of the costumer. So, I opted for a order of loaded fries and 3x10 orders of wings in various flavors. Oh, before I forget this place was labeled as a 'sports bar' which would have lead me to believe that they would have important sport games on their up to date 32' tube TVs (har har har)... not so much. Not only couldn't I hear any of the NBA/NCAA games on but I couldn't make out if I was watching Michigan State v. Ohio State or a I-Pad commercial. Now lets talk about the food!

Heart attack heaven... mmmm irregular heart beat

What did I like? This was the first place that I have even eaten load fires and they weren't soggy. The fries were crisp, the cheese was good, the bacon was real and the portions were good for only a couple of bucks. I know this may seem moot that I am hyping loaded fries but it's hard to find a place that doesn't serve up a platter of mushy potatoes with semi-cold cheese and bacon bits or in some cases Beggin' Strips. And then I struggle to find anything else that would lead me to another positive comment about this place...

Wings? Right? I don't know really, you tell me...

What would I change? When I order wings at a restaurant is it too much to ask that the wings aren't as big as Little Caesar instant-wings-too go? This is the first place in a long time that I could not tell the difference between their hot, honey BBQ and teriyaki flavors. How is that possible? It's because they did not take the time to cook, toss and serve wings. Not enough sauce, not crispy, small size AND were not cheep by any means. IT'S A SPORTS BAR [liberal on the word sports.] Then of course the celery and carrots are going to be as flexible and about as edible as Gumby, don't know who Gumby is? That's a shame, Google him. Then, I was like okay wings, epic fail, they have to have good beer and shots specials right? I mean they seem to push the booze here... nope. Not even domestic specials, and shots? Well, if you want anything other than rubbing alcohol with grenadine syrup you will be paying over six to seven dollars a shot. Nice.

Recommendation? Is there really any question to what I am going to say? I always write the review of the restaurant in my head as I eat... I thought I was going to end with: "well if you want to grab a beer and watch some sports etc..." NO. Not even a hint of a HD TV, a game day beer special, or a food item that won't send you to the ICU... Some may say I am being to harsh but I would just like to keep people from being blindsided like I did by rave reviews about this place. If you are heading to the Stool Pigeons make sure you follow this check list: don't shower/shave, dress like you are about to mow your lawn and make sure you talk loud enough for everyone to hear you talk about your 'high profile job' that includes words like 'I', 'am', 'a', 'substitute', 'bus driver'.

If you didn't read anything I just wrote here is their website: Stool Pigeons