Long Horn Steak House (University Area)

Phew, I think I almost forgot how to write these things! Complements of my 5 year old Gateway finally getting flaky on me. However, this a review that should have been done at least a month ago but I still will be tedious in my details as my readers like! Now, if you have read my reviews before you know I am not a fan of chains. They are cookie cutter slop houses that attempt to mimic a once great restaurant [though something tells me Applebees could have never been good.] I was in for a 'nice' surprise with Long Horn Steak House. My first guess was that it was going to be like a 'howdy cowboy' rendition of Outback [blah]. Well, walking through the doors I was hit with a BOGUS "Howdy yall' how many are goin' to be in your party?" I almost turned around and walked into on coming traffic BUT I pressed on. By the way the restaurant decor looked like Woody from Toy Story went on a glue-huffing bender and came out with this...

You have a friend in me lamp... well... not really (and for the record that was the second Toy Story Joke)

To give them the benefit of the doubt they were 're-modeling' though I couldn't find what was actually being worked on... I have to be honest I opted for this restaurant because ESPN was playing these commercials NON STOP one weekend during college basketball and I guess I bent to the ad. (Boy, does that show a weak constitution or what?) After being seated at our dirty booth I looked at that all important beer selection... then I remembered that beer/wine/liquor at chain adds a easy $500 to any tab. So, I went for a starter. I figured their fried onion thing would mimic Outbacks appetizer so some extent. Funny story, it was actually better than any onion 'fried starter' than I have had in a long time. Highly recommend.

What's that boy?! There's a problem at Ol' Man Centore's arteries! Lets ride!

What did I like? So I came here for steak. Yes, I know it wasn't going to be a $50 a pound steak from Old Man Jenkins secret cattle ranch. In fact I half expected a 'strip steak Denny's style' but I got something in between the two. I ordered a special, it was the 16oz steak with mozzarella and Parmesan cheese. Gross? Well, if you have a sodium deficiency saddle up and down about 17 of these salt explosions. But, sadly... it was kind of what I was aiming for. The steak was actually seared well and the 'presentation' (using that phrase lightly) was actually like the ad looks like! Shocking I know! Oh, keep your chin up buckaroo! It was only $16 for that entree which came with a baked potato and a salad. Strike that, it came with a salad and a hallow potato with about 7lbs of bacon and cheese in it....which leads me too...

Just like a NYC Steak house! Geez, I need to stop huffing modeling glue with Woody...

What would I change? Step one, drop the fake "giddy up cowboy" act, please. This 17yr old illegal alien serving me my salad is not simulating John Wayne by any stretch of the imagination. Next trim down your menu by about 30 selections. I could barley see the 'original' entrees buried under page after page of Shrimp Round Up Cheese Explosion or Steak Six Shooter Showdowns options. Stick with the basics and maybe the quality of the product may go up? Maybe? Just a thought. Which leads me into a food tangent: Why do places like Burger King, Long Horn, Quaker Steak, Hooters etc... all start with one great foods staple a la famous burgers, great chicken wings or good shakes. Then they add flavors and different ways to  expand on their original idea, great. Then they expand their franchise, okay. Then they add crap on their menu that kind of co-exists with their original dish, fine! Then they add crap that has NOTHING to do with their Wold Famous 'X' factor, boooo! Now that raises the overall cost of all the entrees, lowers the quality of their given products and makes me bitter towards them, I'm looking at you Dinosaur BBQ. Now for most people that would be enough of a rant... But, what makes these eating establishments even worse is that most Americans would settle for a trip to Taco Bell then try and seek out a local eatery. Then they have the nerve to say "Oh you should try out Olive Garden, we love to get Italian there when we want a special night out." Oh, excuse me while I take my fist out of your face. I could go on and on, but my point is this: When you want a night out try and find a local restaurant unique to your own area. Try that local greasy spoon you pass every day on the way to work. Or experiment and hit-up that Mexican restaurant that isn't a Chipotle. And if you take nothing from this... I hope you enjoy that frozen BK Quad Stacker, jerk.

Kind of like a Adirondack Cabin threw-up on the set of True Grit

Recommendation? Despite exploding on this and others like it, this was okay. Meaning, it's exactly what I expected with tempered expectations. It maybe a tad skewed because I haven't had steak since August of last year and I was 'steak parched' or maybe it wasn't that bad. But, buyer beware, these prices are a tad high and you could bet or match them at any local restaurant FYI. But, if you wish to see what the Loan Ranger sees when he trips major acid then you should head out to a Long Horn Steak House without delay. By the way, if you are heading to one make sure you sign up for their 'email alerts' because you get a free appetizer that's good for your first visit. Other than that, that's all the inside information I can offer.

Link to their main menu (to find one closest to you... don't) Long Horn Menu Page       

Rock Bottom Restaurant

Alright, I am usually not a critical person (uncontrollable laughter) so this review shouldn't be too harsh. Firstly, I was not aware this was a chain til I heard the dreaded phrase "at this one" which means 'more than one' which means the company sacrifices Quantity over Quality. However, Rock Bottom was able to hide the fact that they were a chain rather well OTHER than the atypical layout of the place that looked like cookie-cutter restaurant chain layout, I digress. Now, I went with a group of 12 so one would think I could not place judgment on the check... wrong. The waiter was nice enough to split it up so we can get a nice laugh about the cost of eating at this dinning establishment. (Side note: I may have been in four or five highballs at this point so my judgment maybe a tad skewed...)      

A regular at this place SHOULD be able to guide us to a successful dinning experience

 

Now I am all for mood lighting or 'dark Italian restaurant trip over a chair lighting' but I just think Rock Bottom did not turn on anything but their emergency flood lights. (Wow, am I getting that old that lighting is throwing me off now?) But, RB's 'claim to fame' is their beers. I love beer! Who doesn't? But, I made a mistake [yes I admitted to one] I opted for their "Stingin' Brits I.P.A" which I thought would taste like Syracuse SPA (SYR Beer). Now Middle Ages brewing company makes a IPA and a Pale Ale and I guess the labels look the same? I have no idea. Either way the RB IPA was rough and I like my beers hearty. I may just get their Southern Flyer Light Lager (-10 man points.) Here is a link to a PDF of their available beers Rock Bottom Charlotte Beer List.

Well, you win this round Stingin' Brits I.P.A

What did I like? No need for cocktails or appetizers here just jump into your actual generous main course portions. I got ribs ($20.99) which the ribs themselves were rubbed with sweet magnolia rub. It was a very different approach to ribs in NC. Most of the time the ribs are grilled to a nice char than doused in lop sauce (a vinegar based sauce) and served juicy. This was a different take with the layers of rub and char that was very good. However, it seemed that at one point all I could taste was the rub and the meat was a small side note (sigh.) Now, I can't remember our waiters' name (oops) but his service kept me from whipping out my Gateway laptop (yes Gateway) and start writing away. He was able to keep up with 12 sauced 20'somethings and then after all the little orders and countless entrees he still asked if we'd like separate checks. Amazing.

I mean... I still ate them all...

What would I change? Something that I have learned is that if you go to ANY restaurant and you are VERY hungry anything will go down easy, no matter how much you detest Denny's (gross.) Yes, this place wasn't even a glimmer of that manic depression diner but I went in hungry [and buzzed] which leads to weird food choices and monster appetites. Okay, my ribs, lets get down to brass tacks [does anyone even use that expression anymore?] What did it come with? Fries, I think. These over cooked and cold potato sticks would even make the Burger King cry. Well, what about the slaw? Eh. I got excited because it didn't come in a plastic bowl but it tasted like nothing. I could catch a hint of anything in there. And the ribs. At 20 bucks the amount of ribs was impressive. But, there was SO MUCH RUB I couldn't taste the meat and what a rookie mistake to get ribs at a place that doesn't wreak of BBQ smoke and burning wood. And I saw the 'burgers' which even the Red Robin wouldn't take a peck at. AND when all is said and done I was still hungry (gross again.)

Recommendation? I would like to think that if I went back I would get something else. But, that would require me to go back again. One thing always gets you is the 'nice chain' that blind you with the gilded environment and then hit you with a monster bill and a unsatisfied palate. I think at $40 a shot anyone would go broke here. But, oddly enough I did have a lot of fun there but they may have been to great company, a volley of assorted shots and not having to work early the next day... So, for the average person this maybe what you want, maybe you want par American food with a higher (unwarranted) price tag then yeah, "do it up!" But, for most this is a hop-skip-and-jump that you really shouldn't take.

A link to their main website index: http://www.rockbottomsouth.com/index.php?pg=food                

Stool Pigeons

Who doesn't like dirty bars? Me. I heard good things about this place so I went in with some-what high hopes... oops. The first thing I should have noticed that there was about 20 people smoking outside in jeans and dirty hoodies, typically a warning there will not be fine dinning ahead. Then the notorious 'please wait to be seated sign' quickly followed by a "hey you, you can sit anywhere" from the downtrodden bar tender. Finally, I got to wait on a waitress that came over after she finished talking to her friends and figured that she may want to wait on a table. Nice. Maybe the food could pick this bar/restaurant out of its very apparent tailspin, maybe...

Do I get a flashlight with my burger?

So, already in a deep whole, I wondered what should I order? I would have asked the waitress but, I think she was more concerned about that gum she was chomping on or that her friends might think she was lame for taking care of the costumer. So, I opted for a order of loaded fries and 3x10 orders of wings in various flavors. Oh, before I forget this place was labeled as a 'sports bar' which would have lead me to believe that they would have important sport games on their up to date 32' tube TVs (har har har)... not so much. Not only couldn't I hear any of the NBA/NCAA games on but I couldn't make out if I was watching Michigan State v. Ohio State or a I-Pad commercial. Now lets talk about the food!

Heart attack heaven... mmmm irregular heart beat

What did I like? This was the first place that I have even eaten load fires and they weren't soggy. The fries were crisp, the cheese was good, the bacon was real and the portions were good for only a couple of bucks. I know this may seem moot that I am hyping loaded fries but it's hard to find a place that doesn't serve up a platter of mushy potatoes with semi-cold cheese and bacon bits or in some cases Beggin' Strips. And then I struggle to find anything else that would lead me to another positive comment about this place...

Wings? Right? I don't know really, you tell me...

What would I change? When I order wings at a restaurant is it too much to ask that the wings aren't as big as Little Caesar instant-wings-too go? This is the first place in a long time that I could not tell the difference between their hot, honey BBQ and teriyaki flavors. How is that possible? It's because they did not take the time to cook, toss and serve wings. Not enough sauce, not crispy, small size AND were not cheep by any means. IT'S A SPORTS BAR [liberal on the word sports.] Then of course the celery and carrots are going to be as flexible and about as edible as Gumby, don't know who Gumby is? That's a shame, Google him. Then, I was like okay wings, epic fail, they have to have good beer and shots specials right? I mean they seem to push the booze here... nope. Not even domestic specials, and shots? Well, if you want anything other than rubbing alcohol with grenadine syrup you will be paying over six to seven dollars a shot. Nice.

Recommendation? Is there really any question to what I am going to say? I always write the review of the restaurant in my head as I eat... I thought I was going to end with: "well if you want to grab a beer and watch some sports etc..." NO. Not even a hint of a HD TV, a game day beer special, or a food item that won't send you to the ICU... Some may say I am being to harsh but I would just like to keep people from being blindsided like I did by rave reviews about this place. If you are heading to the Stool Pigeons make sure you follow this check list: don't shower/shave, dress like you are about to mow your lawn and make sure you talk loud enough for everyone to hear you talk about your 'high profile job' that includes words like 'I', 'am', 'a', 'substitute', 'bus driver'.

If you didn't read anything I just wrote here is their website: Stool Pigeons

5 Guys Burgers and Fries

To quote Man vs. Food host Adam Richman, 'oh my goodness, oh my goodness'; this review was a long time coming. I was first blessed with this place when they opened up a few miles down the road from my college in Utica, NY, and there was no looking back. It's a bare bones place and because of their limited menu, they are able to give their products the royal treatment... mmmmm burgers. 

It's NOT fast food!

Every 5 Guys has a unlimited quantity of free peanuts, monster orders of fresh fries and BIG a** burgers! It must be noted that I have never eaten a hot dog there because it's not called 5 Guys Hot Dogs and Fries [just doesn't have the same ring to it.] Another side note is that when ordering a burger or a bacon cheese burger you must say you want a 'small' if you only want a single patty on your buns. Toppings? They have quite a lot and they put them on... no they stack them... no they pile them on for you by the handful. And when this burger creation is done it kind of sings.... metaphorically that is, other wise that would be creepy.

What did I like? Lets start with the fries. They are always cut, blanched and fried fresh for every costumer. They aren't sitting under a hot lamp waiting to be chucked into a cup. A regular order of fries is good enough for even the most robust consumer; while, a large order is good to split. Basically a large is a big cup o' fries and then they dump another serving into your brown bag. Now comes the burger- your topping choices are vast: mayo, pickles, relish, lettuce, tomatoes, grilled onions, grilled mushrooms, ketchup, mustard, jalapeno peppers, green peppers, A1 Sauce, BBQ sauce, hot sauce, extra cheese... phew! And then there is the burger. It's a fresh hand patted patty grilled up special for you. Nice char on the outside allows the patty to have some bite to it while the inside is juicy and full of good-old-meaty-flavor BOOM. Finally, the time it takes from ordering to indulging isn't at the machine gun rate of a major MAJOR chain yet not restaurant wait time. Even at 12pm rush time I have never waited more than 5-6 minutes for my burger.

No you don't get a plastic plate with your order...

What would I change? The burgers themselves do not need any modification by any means but there are a few things that I would change. It's the consistency of burger assembly [seems like a reach right?] But, what I mean is that sometimes I would order my favorite and it would be a towering mass of toppings and cheese and sometimes it would be a flat line squish burger. I realize it can't be the same all the time but some consistency? The only other fault I can even muster is the fact that you should NEVER EVER order the Cajun fries. BLAH. I have never ordered them but have sampled others and they taste like chemical cardboard... what? Yeah, chemical cardboard. No need to drench these wonderful fries in anything other than an occasional dip in ketchup. Please avoid!

Recommendation? What do I get everytime? Bacon and cheese burger with ketchup, mustard, relish, grilled onions and lettuce, quite the misha-mosh as my Nana would say. But, no matter what you order you must try a burger and don't go too conservative with your toppings. Also, try to avoid this bad boy at rush lunch/dinner time; yes, I said ordering and receiving was at a good pace... that was NOT factoring waiting in a 20-30 person line FYI. But, they offer ordering by phone and newly added, online. Last side note, it's not chain fast food cheep, example bacon and cheese burger $6.38, but it's worth it!

Five Locations in the Charlotte, NC 28262 area: 5 Guys Burgers and Fries in Charlotte

Dave and Busters

These things DO exist! Living in Upstate New York for the majority of  my life I was bombarded with Chick-Fil-A, Sonic, Jack in the Box and Dave and Busters commercials thinking they were only a myth never seeing one, until now! Dave an Busters ahoy!

A circus of sadness

A chain is a chain is a chain is a chain, I have eaten at my fair share of them but they always have their 'famous' dish that allowed them to flourish into a chain IE: Applebees is to Burgers as as Pizzahut is to Pizza. But, I failed to see what allowed D&B to expand on the restaurant side of their food/arcade hybrid. The atmosphere was that of a party that had a billion invites and only 7 RSVPs. This place was MASSIVE and on a Friday at 6pm one would think this place would be poppin' [never going to use as an adjective again I promise.]  Then came the food? Right? No Sam Adams Octoberfest... zero dollars. No Bass... zero dollars. A $4 warm Dos Equis in a dirty bottle... disgusting.

What did I like? Well our waiter was very nice and gave us a free game card with 120 credits on it. I could end there... But, their cheesecake, yes cheesecake, was both massive and tasty. Nice crust, good vanilla flavor and the portion was worth the price which is rare for desserts in restaurants. And being a 9 year-old 22 year-old their arcade game selection was great! You have the option for ticket games [skee ball] and video games [Time Crisis]. A lot of racing games, a lot of shooters and a lot of flashing lights! [Hope you don't have epilepsy.] Another plus is the gaming card. You can load it with 'credits' and swipe it to play the games instead of clunking around with pounds of quarters or tokens in your pockets.

What would I change? I went there for food first, gaming second... as most people do when one is hungry... Cheese sticks are a staple for chains that pride themselves on greasy food. Fail. These inadequate sticks are not recommended. Why do you cut up green onions on cheese sticks? Anyone? I hear that's what they are teaching at the CIA. Double cheese burger, that's simple right? Yum, nope. Those frozen 'meat patties' would have been rejected by the Hamburglar. And the fries? I think they were fried? Burgers are the fail safe anywhere. At a fancy restaurant, at a fast food joint, at home for dinner. But, both the regular and double burgers were sub-sub-par. And what else in a menu option? Steak. Steak at $19.99 and up no matter the cut. Because when I want a juicy NY Steak with a high price tag, I want to eat it while a kid cries in one ear over his spilled soda and another screams over sharing tickets with his younger sister. Now that's classy dinning.

Inadequate Sticks... MMMMM

Recommendation? On the way out I spotted someone with chicken wings and they looked 'ok' so maybe I should have leaned in that direction. Don't order a mixed drink unless you want to take out a second mortgage. And DON'T get a burger. But, if you want to get nachos, watch some football and shoot some zombies this is a good place to go. It was nice to play arcade games and not feel like a sex-offender.  Entrees should be left alone at all costs. Speaking of costs, bring your cash A-Game because this place just loves to tidy up your wallet. This was a upsetting defeat.

Dave and Buster's Main Website: Dave and Buster's main page  

Jimmy John's Gourmet Sandwiches

I saw a bunch of these scattered all over Charlotte. And one day I just wanted a quick sandwich to fill me up, should have opted to make my own...

Fake 50's vibe? Couldn't tell you.

Nothing was more fun then walking into a place you have never eaten at and the cashier has the personality of a rock [sorry rocks]. And then fails to tell you that CHEESE is EXTRA on a SUB SANDWICH. Their 'gourmet' sandwich options go up to 18... 18 different subs you have to pay extra for cheese, chips and soda, nice. Two people for two 'cheese' added sandwiches? $18 and change...

What did I like? The chips were pretty good, other than their $1.22 price tag. They were kettle cooked and you have three options in plan [my favorite], BBQ that has a overpowering pepper taste and one other that slips my mind. What else did I like? It's a stretch but the bread was how I like it, fluffy in the middle and a tougher outside.

What would I change? I don't have all the time in the world to write about what I didn't like and you don't have to time to read it so I will be as brief as I can. Price, like I said was killer. While eating, all I could think of was the other places I could have spent 18 dollars and got triple the product. My [and all] the tables were dirty... enough said. The lame metal signs all over the place with dumb cute sayings... I am not at a Applebees thank you very much. Any sandwich you get is LETTUCE EXPLOSION, because there is no better way to pad your sandwich then two to three pieces of meat and a dump truck full of iceberg lettuce.  Most importantly the taste. I couldn't make out how my sandwich tasted because I couldn't get through the lettuce and the pounds of mayonnaise.

LETTUCE EXPLOSION!

Recommendation? If you want a quick 'sub' with lots of white stuff and iceberg go knock yourself out. I just hope your not playing for more than yourself. DON'T get the bacon because I did and I couldn't figure out how it was cooked... [shuttering] if you do crave a sub I can think of a few places that gives a better price and a better overall product, two of which start with a Q and a S. I have to find me a Which Wich. 

Jimmy John's Website [Charlotte]: Jimmy John's at Matthews